After all of this, I have to admit I'm nervous, and feel slightly idiotic for letting you back in my heart, let alone my home. But I gave up everything to save you, a very long time ago...maybe not everything, but I mean, we've come this far, right? I could never give up on you, no matter how shitty what you did was. I believe in you, I believe in us...Harley David Berk.

But you need to remember, what being a team really means. You have no reason to lie to me, love.

When I thought you were gone for good, when I lost my mind temporarily and cried for six hours straight, I attempted talking to him, you know who I'm talking about. And he didn't care, man, he never has. I realized I'm to blame too, I distanced myself and my attempt at re-connecting...because of him. An infatuation I've tried over and over again to let go of.

And then you walked here, it's fucking freezing outside. I know you,
I know your intentions were never to hurt me, I understand being fucked up in the head, it's me, c'mon.
Anyway, I'm always saying to you
"No one will ever love or care for you as much as I do."
And I'm starting to realize, despite the lies and shit you do...
No one will ever love or care for me as much as you do.

We're both so stupid, fucked up, and stuck in our own way. Let's get through this together.
I won't think about him, he means nothing. It really, finally hit me today.
And don't you fucking lie to me, there's just no reason to. Okay?

Of course my Televisions speakers are working, of course. They only work when I really need them to. Watching "Loser" for the 17th time this week, (in my new comfy bed set) it's just so fitting. I'm such misunderstood person, and I get shit all over, despite being kind...because I'm just a weird, awkward person. So are you, haha.

We're such losers. And I love you...asshole.

"I know you spent your money to see...
What you hear on CD.

They say what doesn't kill the soul will make it harder
But you can't be a stonehearted man

This isn't just a waste of time, addictions made me smarter
But you can't be high all the time

Do you realize that you apologize,
When it's not your fault, cause were all fucked up.

And do you really think that it's worth it,
To be all worried about time?

Cause I know what you want,
I think I know, I think I know what you want.

I know you spent your money to see what you hear on cd
They say what doesn't kill the soul will make it harder
But you can't be a stonehearted man.

This isn't just a waste of time, addictions made me stronger
But you can't be stoned all the time.

Do you realize that you apologize, when it's not your fault?
Cause were all fucked up!
And do you really think that it's worth it...
To be all worried about time?"

-AGreen

This morning I woke up and I could hear the wind pounding on everything in it's way. My initial though was that I was listening to the ocean. And while stretching all the muscles in my body that feel like they had been beaten by someone for the last few nights I thought about how lucky I was, to be living by the ocean, to be in a band, and to be living a life of excitement and purpose.

And I looked over at my nightstand and saw the glaring red numbers and the porcelain colored lamp and I realized, that none of my initial thoughts held any truth.

The only ocean I live near is one of pavement and automobiles. The only band I'm in is the one by myself, with no shows, reviews, extended selection of listeners, or tangible future. And the life of excitement and purpose? I've come to enjoy going to work over anything else, simply because it gives me something to do and distracts my mind from thinking of how hopeless everything is lately.

I've been haunted constantly and consistently lately by photos and video footage of ex bands, their members, the people we played for, and all the obscure corners of the country we explored. From the great and time consuming, to the short lived and insignificant, I spend all my days reliving, regretting, and missing in equal proportion. Phil Taylor told me that God was going to supply the people and I would have "Significant relationships that will be very meaningful." I don't know if a majority of the people I ever cared for are even alive, and I don't think they would care if I weren't. I guess he never said that my idiot self wouldn't completely destroy everything.

I spend entire days skimming through craigslist, myspace, and countless other useless lines of binary code, thinking I'll find a band out there that I fit into perfectly, and fits perfectly inside the hole in me… as if the internet were some reliable source of human interaction, and all my social inequities and shortcomings will magically be cured. And the worst part is I have such low standards… it's as if some greater force is telling me "no, this is as far as you go."

It's taken four years, but everything everyone had ever hoped for me has finally come true. I "got what I deserved," I "learned from my mistakes," I "found out that I was never right about anything," I "see just how bad of a person" I really am.

But I still can't bring myself to admit that everything anyone ever said about me is right. I stand by the fact the the bottom line is I cared too much… and if there is one lesson I've learned, it's not to care at all. And the monster that everyone claimed didn't exist is sitting right here, wishing he lived his entire life differently. Regretting everything from childhood to manhood.

I'm sorry. For everything I've ever said and ever done. For every kind word, for every judgement, for every affirmation, for every character assessment, they mean nothing. My words are worthless, and I'm sorry if you ever thought otherwise.

I am not an Earth feels like a charade lately… I have to beg and beg and beg for anything resembling a show, review, or a chance at anything. It's not where I really want to be… I started this in the hopes that art wasn't dead. Lately I've been learning that it's not, but mine might be. I'm going to keep at it, for now. I'm giving up on touring and shows, and focusing on writing. I'll probably do another release in 2010, but I wouldn't expect anything much more after that.

Until then I'll be here… waiting for destiny to rescue me, for some enormous opportunity to come to my front door.

It's kind of the last chance I have…

...Happy omamiversary.

To which of us is muted?
Sewn shut the mouths of
Whomever may know.
Unplugging of a vice
We exploit, crude device.
Horse races about grasses-
Fiery green and head rushes
Followed by masses  of
The dumb, deaf, and blind
We will spit on those, we are unkind
Spineless. Child.
He won't be coming by tonight
Leave alone the hole about your chest.
Undress.

-PS

"If I provide the rope I know you'll do the rest.

My eyes are open for the first time.

I will stand up face to face or toe to toe with anyone
Yes anyone..

Everything you said about me was the truth but
I just don't think that I can look at you the same..

You're like a splinter that will never show its head to anyone
To anyone..

You know I loved you and I wanted to make you proud
My intentions were to never give myself to anyone
...look what I've done"

-Emery

I'm so shot.
Today feels strange, maybe I'm hung over.
There's always an excuse like that
For feeling off, right?
I stopped taking the antibiotics because they made me sick.
The mother says I may never be able to have a child.
My Grandma gave me this doll for Christmas.
She never does that, and I'm almost 20 years old.
But I fell in love with it.
Her name is Molly.
Oh, that's why I've had that Say Anything song stuck in my head.
I can't sleep
I can't wake up.
The Holidays are over
I feel hollow.
And afraid. Of myself. I wanted a little girl.
Someday.
Dear God what the Hell have I done?

"I swear to God if you hurt me, I will leap, I will toss myself from these very cliffs and you'll never see it coming." -Self Conclusion


Let songs remain songs...
And to battered memories, say "so long."
I'd like to think it's only mans measurement- time
But this New Year, I'm making sure all of it, despite what it is, is mine.


-PS

No, I guess it's really so much more than that...than other people in my life, clouding my truths.
It's my family...that makes me want to be a better person.
This is the first year in God knows how long, that my Mother and Father are speaking on good terms
And that him and I are speaking on good terms...then he put my little sister on the phone...
She's not so little anymore, geez. I haven't seen my brothers and sister in five years.
So we decided next Christmas I'll spend it with them in Florida.
I am so overjoyed, I can't stop smiling.
Mom and I are on wonderful terms, I get to see my huge family tonight
And know that I'm on the other side of my Family's heart...the Skelly's.
I feel like all of this terrible, raunchy, horrific, sad poetry I've been writing...well looking back
It makes me want to vomit.
I knew I haven't been myself, since I started talking to...well several people.
I allow myself to get sucked back into the past with certain people.
Certain situations that come around and feel like they've only just happened yesterday,
And everything can be fixed. But that isn't always the case, especially not with this one.
But it's over
I know the people who really love me, and there are so many of them.

My main New Years Resolution is to fully grasp the good, creative, loving, happy person I  truly am.
And several other things I may or may not post...
Anyway,
Merry Christmas. (:

-PS

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Shut the fuck up cunt
You're a waste of Gods paint
You are the sinner
I am the saint.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.
This day, yesterday, forever and always.

-PS

Accept the vibration moving through you.
Fear nothing ...
Except, the possibility of the old you.
I'm so goddamn bored here,
I thought he'd fish me out
To sweep us up, and untangled.
Someday, but  soon turned to later.
So he is dead, and so is she
- I.
the silent film, no
we did not make it to theaters.
The buzzing will end.
And maybe two people can be friends.
Just friends.
I have nothing left to write, or say to you.
And in knowing this,
I know I've nothing left to lose.


-PS

Is it the ground we stood on, the breaking wood
The sign that read "Exit" with open water-
as the only option?
Does anyone really ever let it go?
You've mastered- that empty stare, like you just don't care.
With each person you look down and all surrounding
Victimless regret, and whatever else there is.
Left,
But we are not the same
And though our lives have changed
The thought remains the same.
Despite whether or not the vision's blurry
You can dig enough to feel it hasn't even been weathered.
See stop this can't be rushed, face its fury
But could you
At all?
Because I need to know
If it's back to the car,
or two steps, Exit, dive, and fall.
Is it the ground we stood on, the breaking wood
The sign that read "Exit" with open water-
as the only option?
I can't go on.


-PS

ok, dear caleb stop plummeting now please!

K BYE

Am I,

No, not can I be...the most beautiful thing you've ever seen? -

(A delusion, a hallucination at most.
And there's no more...
Begging down on my knees for a sign of your release, the  p a s t of m e.
I need to touch you where it hurts, to be inches from your face;
But please, this time, close your eyes.

Do you think that this is turning me on, you pathetic fucking pleading child?
And I've wanted to rip you apart but even then, unable to climb your mountain.
I stood beside you once,.
Resume your position.
If you don't like it, break me open for the last time.
It won't take up too much of your time.

One of us lonely fucks is about to jump anyway, right?
I am no stranger, derobe for me, you are without danger.

He's gone, and he always has been.
I'm a cunt deserving of nothing,
But the feeling to vomit when I look in the mirror.

Tell me to shut up again, it turns me on, any words you've said.




I fucking hate you.

-PS

I can't believe the year marks are coming up, Stevens Death, The closest I've ever come to my own, The fish eggs, The ride of my life in something of a Tank with a blond haired boy, A life changing 12 hour drive and time spent in Tennessee, through the Holland tunnel.

A half an hour before the clock struck midnight, 2009, I watched my own life flash before my eyes in a car accident we all should have died in.
Especially me.


To be continued.

(and continued.)