So once again to complete the cycle God has come to me amd spoken to me in a way so fantastic most won't believe me. And while the validity of my experience will be questioned I know it as true and beautiful. However to make a long story short the messages recieved was this. His streangth is mine to borrow to see me through these times of repititious downfalls and deep depressions, even though I am undeserving. I have been someones greatest mistake, she was atracted and tainted by my sin. The devil has been desperatly holding onto the reigns of my life trying hard to steer, and only with the faith to move mountains and calm seas will I shake him and place the reigns in God's hands. That God and all his creation although it may not always seem it is beautiful. I don't have to be a constantly serious dead shell of a human feeling guilt for messing around and having a good time. However I do have to stick to my convictions, be a light, and an example, none of wich I have been. And that I must confront the man who biologicaly is my father, with love and not anger resentment and pity. The cycle will break soon, if I let it. All those who consider me just a highschool drop out, a nothing, those who treat my only with disrespect, who consider me to be void of knowledge, wisdom, and a future, will have their feet in their mouths.

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So here I am using livejournal again only to complain I don't keep up with this add friends write just to write or anything. Sad part is I'm not gonna bitch about my inane bullshit so that the 3 or 4 or 5 or however many fucking friends I have can read this because No one I know wants to here me speak let alone here me rant. It's just so that someone who knows I'm breathing will hve the opportunity to see that there's something wrong with me other then the impending heart attack due to my weight, nicotene alcohol and caffine consumption. It seems like everyone I come across has something negative to say about me all the time and with the things said to my face I can only assume it's 10x worse behind my back. It seems like if you breath I can't trust you. It's not like I didn't hear whoever in the kitchen said "I feel bad cuz everyone thinks E.J. Is such a douche bag." what did I do. Made a couple jokes that will haunt me forever. Get bad genes that make me retain everything I eat. Make some mistakes cuz I've fucked people that are nasty or dirty, or perhaps think I used them because I was so lonely so desperate for affection I lost control. I want God to hate me because I don't deserve his love. I want God to hate me for how mad I am at him. I want God to hate me so he stops giving me the little voice in my head that's makes me keep myself alive. But I know his love is unfailing and forever . Wich should comfort me rite? But instead it makes me feel guilty. Love is something ill never have. Along with stability a job that pays more then minimum wage and a sence of joy. I don't know what it's like to have someone look at me and say "I love you" is like anymore. To look at her eyes touch her face and kiss her to show her I feel the same, because my lips are to weak to say it (whoever "she" may be). I feel awful to feel awful. Grandma has cancer 2 friends I had are dead. One of then I wish I never let go cuz now that he's gone I long for his friendship that much more. Just to here him say "don't listen to them" or even joke along with everyone tagging on my for my Short comings. Jzust to know he was there. I have no value. I'm worth as much to this world and the people in it as a stomped out cigarette on the side walk. And though she breaths, she's dead. And while I make the jokes about the souless mind that's entered her tattered frame. I mourn and find myself nearly brought to tears knowing who I loved is gone. Who way back when would be the only one who would not judge and say I love you anyway. And I could know that the words were meaningfull. And I could know she wants nothing in return except for me to take a few more breaths next to her before I left. Those days are gone. The days of hopes and dreams and planning. finding who I am . Making something of myself. Going to school. Loving. Making love. First times for nearly anything that can't kill me. Change. And it's not that I'll never love again. But that I've made myself repulsive and unlovable. This shattered wreck of who I am, is nothing like who I was. And I want to view death I it's truest form. Maybe then I'll value life. But write now the idea of living seems as worthless to me as I do. I know my mortality doesn't belong in my hands. It's in Gods. And even if I am angry with him, thatsvwear it will remain.

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I don't feel guilt, but I do feel lost. It's like no one is coming to look for me, no one to just hold me and tell me they love me, will my dreams line up with reality Or will I be exhiled by then? I'm over due for tragedy. Maybe that means things are looking up, or perhaps not. The consistencies in my life are driving me wild, I just wanna give it all up and start over with God in my heart and a pocket full of dreams. The thing I keep forgetting is that it's about me and God not me and the world and there fucked ideals on how "it should be." I wanna leave, embark on an adventure, just me and you the way we were, and I feel like that day is coming. And Dad, I'll find you, I'll get answers and the one person who will never judge me will be there and won't look at me differently if I walk out with bloody knuckles and a smile on my face.

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What the fuck happened to me, why can't I just stay happy. the lingering chill of lonliness finds it's way slowly up my spine. It maliciously cuts into my mind and heart. I can't trust who I thought I could and that isn't helping either. I'll figure it out

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I have to get a grip on my life, stop obssesing over things and, realize the desires of my heart might not match with God's plan for my life. I need to just let him take control and do what he will with it. What he wants is best. It always is and the timing is always rite. If it's meant to it will be. If it's not he'll help me accept it.

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I need some kind of change, now!!!!

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So it's been almost a year since I've last posted anything. And so much has happened and changed. I sit around and try to analyze what could have ant wrong, if I've abdicated my responsabilitys so often I messed myself up trying to figure out what I need to do. All I know is something is wrong, I don't write as inteligently as I used to and can't remember things as well as I used to I think far more pesemisticly and I lose control of my inhibitions. Life is a funny thing. But I'm trying to keep my head up and press on and perhaps regain my old egenuity, creativity and powers of observation. I'm failing miserably but I'm trying. But hopefully with some tact and persostance I can stop dwelling on what I've done and focus on my future and roll with it instead of runnig from it.

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